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 Grief is a natural reaction to losing someone or something important to you.

Everyone feels loss — from babies to adults, to animals. When there is a significant change in life, we all notice the difference. If the change includes a loss, we grieve. Even if the change also has positive or beneficial parts, we still have to deal with the loss.

Here is some information about grief, based on my work with Hospice patients and families, bereavement group facilitation, seminars and conferences I've attended, and research I did in college.

The most difficult losses to deal with are often:

Deaths, because the loss is final

Losses we haven't experienced before.

Keep in mind, though, that there is no use in comparing losses, since when a person is dealing with a loss of any kind, it often feels like the worst thing that has ever happened to them. Only the person undergoing the loss/grief can say how difficult it is to him or her.

Not every milestone brings grief, but there can be a feeling of letting go even in the most joyous transition — even it's simply remembering how life used to be and never will be again. Significant changes that might feel like loss could include:

Moving from one area to another might blend the excitement of a new life with sadness about leaving friends or family.

Changing careers could include leaving behind a familiar identity. Loss doesn't need to feel sad. It might just feel unsettling.

Noticing that you can no longer do certain activities can bring up grief.

Life is change. Change can include loss. Loss requires grieving, even if it's just a moment to acknowledge that our life will never be the same.

Learning from the kids
Grief experts say that children grieve differently than adults do. I've worked with grieving children of all ages, and when they get the support they need, they do pretty well. But our society won't let adults grieve in healthy ways. Our jobs want us back at work three days after the death of a family member — and if it's "only" a friend who died, we don't get any time off. Anyone raising a child gets no time off at all!

When children grieve, they weave their sad moments into the rest of their day. They may cry or ask questions about the person (or pet) who died, and then pick up a toy to play. Later on, they may have another question, or say, "I miss Daddy" or "I miss my kitty-cat." And then they will continue to play or talk with friends or do homework or whatever.

My theory is that if adults could, we would grieve the same way kids do. We would clean the house or do the job, and then say, "I miss my friend. Can I tell you a little about her?" We might have some tears, and then we would work some more or take a nap. Later on, we might take a walk or play some basketball, or write a letter to the person who died. And then make dinner or tuck our children into bed, or go to a concert.

The rhythm of grieving is uneven. It won't fit into a certain time of day or a certain day of the week. If we "stuff" it inside, it only gets worse. If adults had the option to grieve when the feelings came up, I believe the grief would take less time and it would have a better chance to become fully resolved — instead of turning into rage or despair, or hiding inside for the next big loss.

How do you grieve?
No one grieves exactly the same as other people, but the people who study grief say that if they had to put people in categories, there would be two main kinds. You probably know people who grieve these two ways:

One way is to talk about their feelings.

The other way is to do something with their feelings.

The important thing is: No one really grieves just one way. Most of us do it more one way, with some of the other way mixed in. Some people mix both ways evenly.

So, one person might feel most comfortable at bereavement support meetings talking about their grief and talking about the person who died. But when it's time to go through the bank statements of the person who died, they are very uncomfortable.

Other people might feel a sense of accomplishment from balancing the deceased person's bank statement — or figuring out childcare details or planting a tree as a memorial  — but not want to talk about his or her sadness.

What the researchers are finding is that both ways are useful and healthy — as long as the person does what feels right to herself or himself.

(Note: This information about grieving styles is based on work by Kenneth Doka, Terese Rando, and Terry Martin, among others. If you're interested in the studies, Omega: The Journal of Death and Dying, is a good academic journal to start with.)

When we don't get to grieve
More on this soon. Please see the Resources and Links page for additional help.

Grief and the death of a pet
For many of us, the death of an animal companion can be a significant loss. The grief we feel may be increased if we have to choose to euthanize ("put to sleep") our pet. And if there are children involved, we may struggle to find the words to explain to them what is happening or has happened. You will find more help in the Companion Animal (Pet) section of my website.